THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME


1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION

" You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4.My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10.My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father."

15.My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home."

18.My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19.My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
" Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24.My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."



- posted by Doc @ 6:35 PM

 
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone!

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day. Never squat with your spurs on. There's two theories to arguing with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about biting' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinking' you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.


- posted by Doc @ 3:08 PM